brave enough to write all down, I feel like I will become too personal and it is something, that perhaps I should avoid in this moment in time. Sometimes the house becomes quiet. You can hear people typing around. You can hear the wind, you can hear the sound of the city that invades our private space when the windows are open. You can hear the empty space that is getting lost in the shade of the intense night, that soon enough is going to cover us, again.

I’m in love with a dream. A dream of mine that for a while came true I thought. The desire in me burning, still can’t let go on anything. Still waiting for the dream to reappear to become true, once again, even if it might be just for a tiny while. Supra dose of dreams. I will die because of it soon enough, as I feel like I’m wasting my life waiting in vain.

I am surrounded by people. Every day I make sure I’m in the middle of them. It’s my job. I meet new people every day. Different ones, weird ones, lovely ones, horrible or great ones. And they make sure they compliment me as well. So, I hear great comments all the time and I feel good about the fact that I get noticed and I make people be impressed. But…at the end of the day you don’t care. You only want just one someone to appreciate you and make you feel SPECIAL. And when you don’t get it, it is hard to understand how it works. How come that everybody can see but one.

But don’t get me wrong. Ghosts are great to fall in love with. It’s like cheap drama that you go through every day. I’m afraid the supra dose of dreams has ran over. I need to satisfy the need of dreaming away again.

Long days, at work, at university, somewhere around. We all look at that clock ticking, hopping to get home faster to get that unconditional kiss and hug that is always there for us. Short evenings and short nights. Short weekends. Because when you’re happy, time flies.
My emotions are overwhelming everybody around me, but surely that’s a good thing. For a long time now I’ve been told that I have a cold heart, or no heart at all. This is my chance to prove you all wrong. I do have feelings and I do care for people.
As in the rest…the world is moving slower than usual. I’m always in a rush and now it’s the time to make everything go faster.
Have you ever thought about the most perfect painting? Imagine the most perfect landscape. That won’t do. Something better, bigger than that.
In my bad dreams I’m on my own in the snow, when is dark and late and all i can hear is the trees talking to each other, sharing their wisdom. I will tell you the story in a new post, I promise. Now, in that horrible painting that I have in my mind, I can always add a person. If that person is the man that I love, can you see now how come that my painting becomes perfect?
Enough with this non sense. I need to get back to my treats and to my movies.

For a long time I’ve omitted, maybe on purpose, to reveal the real me, to reveal what truly matters. As a human, I do have feeling, I do have dreams. As a woman, or as a girl, not to forget that I’m only twenty,  I don’t know what I want unless I spend hours thinking about it, thinking about my options, analyzing myself. Maybe I finally know what I want. That should make a difference, but it doesn’t really.

I’m developing my artistic side. I’m painting, I’m drawing, writing. This is how people, just like me, express their feelings: their anger, frustration, sadness. Should I say that I’m a coward? Maybe I am. I’ve never started to draw something just because I’m happy. Excited. And my drawings tell you exactly what you need to know about my own state of mind. I forgot to mention, that I usually never show my art. Art, I’m not an artist. Just imagine a drawing and nothing more. Art that we cannot understand we like to call it ‘modern art’. Think of me as being a modern artist.

This morning I had a horrible dream. I’m not going to get into it, but I can tell you that I woke up in tears. This never happened to me. I sometimes, like I know you do as well, have terrible nightmares where people that I care about the most disappear for the rest of it. I dream that I’m being lonely with no one around to share a word with. I dream about my family being taken away from me forever. But none of this happened because of me. It’s always someone else that does it. And you know that first thing that I do in the morning? I call them to make sure they are safe and sound. If they are around, I give them the best hug of all times and I tell them how much I love them. But how about a nightmare about someone that you can’t call? You can’t touch, you can’t express for real what you think about them? How does that feel? I’ve experienced this terrible moment today, when I woke up. Should I let go all the bad things that have happened? Should I forgive and pick the damn phone? Or should I carry on just like I’ve done for a long, long time now? It’s hard to answer. I can’t answer. Not yet, I’m not ready.

You know, we wake up every morning with a purpose. Or at least it should be a purpose. Some people start their days drinking coffee and going to work, some people wake up just to take the kids to school and make the breakfast for their partners. Some people wake up alone. And they want to be alone for the rest of their lives. What does that tell you?

My biggest fear was, as I’m sure I mentioned before, to be alone. Some friends still joke about me being old, surrounded by cats. As I grew older, this fear started to become bigger and bigger. So, because of that, I’ve started to convince myself that the best to be, it’s to be alone. As in, my own empty apartment, my own boring job, my own fortress where no one is allowed ever. Sooner or later I started to add things in that apartment and in that life as I’ve described. A dog. Bottles of spirits. An obscure camera for my hobby. A fancy car in my garage to make me think I’m powerful. A promotion. A platinum card in my designer’s bag and an extra wardrobe to put my expensive shoes in. In this world, after so many adds, I still wake up on my own. I still go to bed drunk and lonely. But my fear started to disappear. Maybe I’ve convinced myself that it’s an amazing life style. And then, you get old, my dog dies, I buy cats instead, I can’t make a will, because I’ve got no one around, and I die. And for what?

Now when I think about this, I start to be more afraid. Being lonely is a disaster. That’s not what I want. So I change the scenario. I live in an apartment with my partner. We had a wonderful wedding, we both have great jobs and great perspectives and we decide to have kids. So that someone will enjoy the fruits of our efforts. And then things go wrong. We get bored of each other. We don’t see each other anymore, we find excuses not to have sex and we much rather be at work for Christmas than home. You carry on living like this because you’ve got no option. For the sake of your sanity, for the sake of your kids. And now, let me ask you again: and for what? To die unhappy? Just like that?

The whole idea made me understand that it takes a lot to build on relationships. Better be alone than with someone like I’ve described above. Better search for someone than to die alone. Where is the balance? Love? Friendship? Trust?

What is the purpose? I remember back in the days someone told me something that I found terrible at that time. And you know what it was? It was a statement regarding to a friend that doesn’t know why she is waking up every morning. I didn’t understand, I called her crazy and stupid and ridiculous. As we age though, we do find this question more and more obvious and we realize that our answers become limited. To make myself clear, we do own our lives. We make choices and we get to regret them, embrace them or change them. But, in a world where war seems to be more interesting than love, what is the good choice?

Sometimes I’m wondering if we actually have a choice. I believe that we do. That’s why this morning after I had my bad dream, I’ve decided to let go. To let go on everything. And now what? Should I go with the flow? Is this what you people do? Don’t you have a list with wishes and ideals and things to do?

I’ve promised to be sincere. As vulnerable as I fell this morning, I’ve realized that everything goes on. Nothing stops unless you decide so. Time never stops and people never change. As much I wish Dickens was wrong, he wasn’t. And indeed, I feel like I should underline:’we are who we are, people don’t change’, once said one of my favorite characters from a book. I felt the cold as the dawn started to show itself. No rays, as Manchester was cloudy. No voices, no movements. Just me and the walls. Walls are the most precious thing when it comes to memories. If we could make them talk, they will say so much. More than we could probably remember. They have been witnesses to all the great and bad things.

I also need to ass in this context that I do not own a diary no more. Not an electronic one, not a classic. Nothing at all. Instead of mixing tears with ink, I much rather forget all the bad things; as for the good moments, I’m sure one day I will write a book about them, as they will always last.

Back to my empty morning, I’ve opened my notebook. I took a pen from somewhere around and I’ve put the date. I stood in front of my empty piece of paper for about half an hour then I’ve decided to put my address, my name. Now, this supposed to be a personal letter. To someone that doesn’t need to know my name, my address, the date. So I’ve realized that I’m just writing things down because I cannot truly write what I should write. Because I can’t.

I live in a reality that it has been built in parallel with the real world. That’s my dream world, my perfect one. And there is the real world where I was in front of my piece of paper, trying to write my feelings down. I’ve tried to imagine that I’m writing to my friends, family, a doctor, I don’t know. The words didn’t want to come out. So, fair enough, I’ve closed my notebook and I went in the other room started to draw. When I draw I don’t think about casual stuff. If I’m sad, I put all my feeling on that paper. As I said before, I don’t see the point in drawing or writing when you are happy.

I do not have a point to make. If you can read between the lines, then you are in the right place, my friend. I’m in front of the crossroads. (This reminds me actually…I used to love a book…written by a Romanian novelist, Liviu Rebreanu. He always liked the closed circles. To explain, he started the book with a landscape, with a crossroad. Then, at the very end of the book, he described the same landscape, but only changed, after the whole action and that time added so much changing. ) So crossroads. Again, I need to make my choice. Until I decide what to actually write in my letter, I will stay in the exact same place, drawing around.

At the end of the day, what is it going to happen? Nothing.

In a way or another I got into this as well. A mirror of my thoughts I can say. In reality, honestly, my diary will sound much more different than my blog reflects. More direct perhaps, if that’s the right word, but when you decide to take your little laptop in the other room with a cup of tea, you need to write different don’t you? I mean I always appreciated them mind games. Write something, read between the lines.

But what if you lines aren’t being read properly, or by whom you address the secret letters? Then even you blog mocks you. You might secretly get messages from fair few readers saying that you need to do that, that and that you actually achieve what you want to achieve. Oh great, I feel like I’ve got friends…oooh, great to hear.

But I’m not here to talk about this. I might suddenly change the subject. Sarcasm…was that the word that people are keep calling me nowadays. Oh yeah, sarcasm, sarcastic, etc. We’re learning more words in one lesson. How fricking cool is that? Let’s proceed. Soooo, bank holiday. Typical. Britain needs more bank holidays. And on the 31^st which is today, we had another one. Lucky us. Of course we cannot afford to stay in a drink boring cups of tea and watching peep show yet again, but we need to create a reason to go out and get fucked. So we’ve invented a new festival in Manchester. Actually we brought it to Manchester again. Eurocultured festival. Please google it if you don’t know what I’m talking about. Yeah, Maria, show me some of that Spanish dancing.

Well, this festival reminded me of good old ‘white nights’ spent in Bucharest on some of the most amazing festivals that I’ve been to. So art around, some beer going on, food and lots of music. Good music, bad music, good clubs, shit ones. It needs to be this way, a bit of variety of course.

So yeah, I had a good time. I mean, I’ve seen better, but hey, I honestly quite liked it. I’m a bit fussy when it comes to events so there you go, I can’t be black or white, I need something more than that.

So we’ve been eurocultured, we had a bit of taste of some…different music, not necessarily better than what we call English classics but still, worth it.

Too bad is done, cuz I would’ve probably advised you to hit it at least for a bit.

The rest, same old, my dears. I believe that doesn’t need any explanation. I’m the same. Working  on a surprising changing. Working on a lot of thing.

Will keep in touch.

Dear parents,

I was serious 5 years ago when I said that I’m going to have the perfect life. I grew up and I realize that I was a fool for not taking advantage of my childhood. I realize that with love and happiness you can achieve everything you want. Silly me for rushing everything. Good for me for being brave enough to want more than the usual, and awesome me for living the country just to search for what I always wanted. The good news is that I feel like I’m not too far away from what I want. I’m still brave and I still have the will to do everything it takes. The bad news is that i feel a bit lost at the moment. Don’t worry, it’s a temporary thing.
I have what I wanted to a certain extend. I know it’s all about wanting more and going for it. this is what I’m doing. Please be patient as I’m trying to be. (You know me, I’ve never been patient, I want everything now!!!!).

Thank you.

Cory

And now what? oh i know, back to the reality, opening lots of tabs with new jobs, applying all over, while studying for my exams. Super woman, lucky me. But hey, that a good thing: I’ve just discovered a new skill that will go on my CV, multitasking that is.

The other reason that makes me so happy, is that i finally bought the tickets to come home. Sweet home. Guess who’s going to hug my mom?! Guess who’s going to the mountains? Guess who’s getting wasted on the sea side? Guess who’s up for adventures and late night in clubs? Me!!!! We’re starting on the 24th of June. I can’t wait. All i’m doing at the moment is making plans. I’ve started to think about presents, luggage, what shoes should i take, what top should i leave here etc etc. Enough with this already, cuz you’ll be intoxicated with my happy feelings and excitement. We don’t want that don’t we?

Basically, as my mom was saying, i need a lot of spiciness in my life. Even when things are good and i’ve got nothing to worry about, everything starts to go wrong. Because I need a reason to complain. If i complain, i need to change. If i change, i change it in the bad way most likely. Hey, these are the bad aspects, ok? I’ve got plenty of good ones…i think.
So, I need things to look forward to. I need plans, and i need plans to make sure they go wrong, because if they do, i have a reason to be stressed and agitated and i need to seek for changes. To fix my problems.

So here i am guys. Me…again!!! the old me. Yeeey. I’ve asked three of my friends today why the hell are so excited that i’m coming back. How bizarre but all of them said exactly the same thing: because you’re always full of life, you’re fun and bring smiles on our faces (and you do silly things, but this is out of record). How cheesy, but obviously i loved it. How special!

Enough with my statement. This blog post sounds like a drug addict letter ready to quit heroin, instead of what i actually meant it to be. But let’s put it this way. It’s like a promise to myself, to be happy all the time, as you guys used to know me! Let’s start the fun…

I’m lost at the moment. For a moment, I thought everything will be fine. But it’s not. I look around and all I can see is dust and unhappiness. I need to be so strong, and I don’t know how to do it. Wish everything was so much easier…

For whom might not understand, I have a song for you my dears. Listen to the lyrics, listen to the message and you might be able to enter into my world.  White flag

Such a mixture of feelings. I would probably like to be home. In my bed, being woken up by my mother. Drinking my coffee and go away, to the mountains, to my favorite place on Earth. Reading, writing, forgetting, leaving everything that needs to be left behind. I am going to be sincere. It’s going to be hard for me, but not impossible.

I’m used to them tricks given by life, being forced to start over again, and yet again, here I am, being put in the same stupid situation. I want to go away, in a place where I won’t be found, at least for a while. Or I wanna spend my whole day, chatting to people, trying to keep myself away from my thoughts. I don’t even know what I want and what I’m ready for. I need lots of time, and lots of luck. Starting with today, things are about to change, things, that maybe i didn’t wanna change, or i wasn’t ready for.